From: Gilbert To: AAHESGIT Subscribers Subject: AAHESGIT-41A: Human Moments, Connectedness (Part 1 of 2) Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 07:23:49 -0400 (6/16/00 AAHESGIT 41A. Approx. 3 pages from me Edward Hallowell is a psychiatrist who provides insights and advice about coping with the growing conflict between the flood of opportunities for shallow communications and our need for direct, meaningful connections with other people. See below for information about Hallowell's ideas about connectedness, and the "human moment." For more information about "human moments," including the opportunity of submitting your own examples, and to hear an interview of Hallowell by myself and Amanda Antico, also go to: www.tltgroup.org/media/Ned.html Below I've included an example of an important "human moment" of my own this week, and an excerpt from one of Hallowell's recent email messages. The next posting to AAHESGIT will provide an excerpt from Hallowell's latest book _Connect_, in which he provides advice to the Harvard Chemistry Department. See below for a copy of an email message from Hallowell in which he says: "...I think it comes down to little moments, plus a large plan. You need the large plan--like a commitment to a group, or a family, or a religion, or a cause--to inspire you and also to give you the forum in which to act. But you also have to respond to the little moments, to be there spontaneously and openly when the moment offers itself. " This past Monday we did a live WebCast in which the featured guests were Edward "Ned" Hallowell and Tom Marino. NOTE: Hallowell and Marino will be offering a plenary session at the TLT Group's Summer Institute next month. For more info about SI2000, see: http://www.tltgroup.org/SI2000/default.htm For registration for SI2000 see: http://confreg.uoregon.edu/tltsi2000/) Steve Gilbert)============================================= === Home and in office for more than a week! But then I == === leave Saturday for 3 "away" events in a row. That's == === why I especially needed to re-establish my connection = === with my daughter. ==================================== =========================================================== Human Moment with My Daughter Steven W. Gilbert I hadn't seen my teenage daughter for a few days. I was feeling out of touch with her. School is out and she often stays overnight at a friend's house. When she's home, I leave for work before she gets out of bed. But Wednesday night she stayed home because she couldn't get a ride to/from a party. She was disappointed and frustrated about missing that event. I kept trying to talk with her, but each time I just seemed to irritate her more. Finally, I said: "I'm really not trying to bother you, but I keep saying the wrong thing. I've been missing you lately and feel like I've lost our connection a little bit." She didn't seem much happier, and said that she had to go pack for another overnight trip. A few minutes later she returned and again said she had to pack, but this time she also said I could come talk with her while she packed. I knew better than to miss this opportunity. I followed her into her bedroom. For the next hour she packed (didn't really take her an hour) while we chatted. I told her a little about some of my recent frustrations. I tried hard to stay quiet when she began telling me some of the things that were going on, some of the things that were bothering her. I think I succeeded in being supportive without saying anything too obviously parental when she described a serious disappointment. After we finished, I realized that I felt much better. I told her so. We didn't talk about anything very serious. We didn't make any decisions. We had a "human moment" together. All day yesterday I was better able to face the world and smile more often. Now I'm going to send postcards to my sons. -=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Email from Edward Hallowell: Dear George, I am so glad you emailed me! Thank you VERY much. And thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate the encouragement. I wonder, would you be willing to write a short account of your community of caring people? I'd like to mention it in the book I am working on now called HUMAN MOMENTS. If you have time, just email me a description. What I might do, if it is ok with you, is simply quote the paragraph you put in this last email, and use it as a teeing off point, because the question you raise is so central in everyone's life these days. Namely, how do we make it last? How do we make it grow? How do we build on it? By "it" I mean the force of positive connection. I struggle with it in my own life all the time. Finding balance. Making time for the right connections. Last night I came home from work. I had more work I needed to do. But I saw my two boys (I have three kids, Lucy is 10, Jack is 8, and Tucker is 5) watching TV, waiting for dinner, so I said, let's go out and hit the whiffle ball. We spent the next half hour with me pitching and them hitting. I don't need to tell you I made the right decision in asking them to play with me. I think it comes down to little moments, plus a large plan. You need the large plan--like a commitment to a group, or a family, or a religion, or a cause--to inspire you and also to give you the forum in which to act. But you also have to respond to the little moments, to be there spontaneously and openly when the moment offers itself. Those moments will feed us, but only if we eat them, so to speak! I think it is one of the great largely unacknowledged paradoxes of human nature that love is far more threatening than aggression is, for most people, especially men. We would rather fight than love. We would much rather defend ourselves than receive praise. Love offerings make us nervous, and we can't wait for them to end. Which leaves us perpetually starved for closeness, support, reassurance, and intimacy. It is odd. Students learning psychotherapy always talk about uncovering aggression and anger, about learning how to help people get mad, about the murderous feelings we all carry buried deep inside. But I think it is the loving feelings that are much more avidly defended against. We just don't know what to do with them. They make us feel so vulnerable. When we open ourselves to offer love or receive it, we leave ourselves open to be rejected, ridiculed, even shamed. We also leave ourselves open, long term, to the pain of loss. So why risk it? Anyway, those are my top of the head musings. I think in groups, families, institutions, organizations, love is the key. It is very hard to make it grow, steadily. What works? I think it is like a garden. You water it and fertilize it and never neglect it and it will grow. But you cannot take it for granted.... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Steven W. Gilbert, President, The TLT Group For general information about AAHESGIT and how to subscribe to it, see the Listserv/AAHESGIT section of WWW.TLTGROUP.ORG. For more specific information about how to post a message, or about copyright permission for the use of this document, see http://www.tltgroup.org/listserv/copyright.html If you cannot comfortably use the Web, send your request by Email to GILBERT@TLTGROUP.ORG or fax to 202 467 6593. Please duplicate and/or forward the message and "signature" above to your friends and colleagues who might find it useful. - Copyright 2000 Steven W. Gilbert